Day 69

There is a secret language I know of. A secret retail shopper language, a code-speak that customers share almost virally. Many retail employees don't know the langauge, but some do. Like me. And I'm here to decode it, a 'blogging cure for the retail cipher. I'll also provide some example responses.

Let us investigate:

PHRASE: "I'm just looking."
TRANSLATION: "Leave me the hell alone."
RESPONSE: "Well, I can see that. But you didn't answer my question." (the question, "how are you?")

PHRASE: "I don't have time right now." OR "I'm kind of in a rush."
TRANSLATION: "I didn't listen to a word you said. Ring up my product, youngster."
RESPONSE: as they take their time leaving "Oh, you need to hurry! Shoo! Be gone!"

PHRASE: "Are you going to give me a senior citizen discount?"
TRANSLATION: "I'm hoarding money under my mattress."
RESPONSE: "I'm actually making this cost more because you're elderly."

PHRASE: "You know what, I'll just get it cheaper at Wal-Mart."
TRANSLATION: "I came in here solely to humor you."
RESPONSE: "Awesome!"

PHRASE: "I'll just get it cheaper online. Thanks anyway."
TRANSLATION: "I really don't know anything about the Internet."
RESPONSE: "Hey, you should buy your groceries online. It's cheaper too."

PHRASE: "No, I don't want to order the book. I need it now."
TRANSLATION: "I waited 'til the last minute to buy a gift!"
RESPONSE: "Waited 'til the last minute?"

PHRASE: "Why don't you have suchandsuch book on the shelf? It's a best-seller. Barnes & Nobels (sic) has so much more."
TRANSLATION: "I have no clue about books."
RESPONSE: "If you knew what you wanted, we could order it and it'll be here lickity-split with no extra charge. Oh, but you don't know what you like. I see."

PHRASE: "I really don't shop here that much."
TRANSLATION: "I really don't shop here that much."
RESPONSE: "Why not?"

posted, with grace and poise, by Jason @ 11/13/2006 11:48:00 PM,

4 Comments:

At 12:23 AM, Blogger Janell said...

PHRASE: "Do you still have that thing that was on this shelf that I saw in here two years ago? I should have got it when I first saw it."
TRANSLATION: "I want you to pull something from my imagination out of your back pocket."
RESPONSE: "Next time, get it when you see it because my time machine isn't out of the test-phase yet."

The time machine will also be useful for coupons expired yesterday and special offers that really do only exist between certain dates.

 
At 9:37 AM, Blogger Erica said...

hahahahahah.

 
At 6:17 PM, Blogger James said...

PHRASE: "You are a horrible salesman"
TRANSLATION: "You can't do exactly what I want you to do."
RESPONSE: "I can't believe I have a college degree." (Slams head in refridgerator door)

 
At 1:29 PM, Blogger Sep10ber said...

Love these! I feel enlightened.
ps. Sarcasm, beware your target, and note: www.freshdirect.com

 

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