Day 34

I've struggled greatly over the years with depression. I think I hide it well. I don't talk about it much either; I don't know why. It's not clinical depression--I've checked into it, and my brother does have that and I can tell the difference. I'm just sometimes melancholy extroverted introvert.

It manifests itself from time to time, usually in social situations. I think that I'm acutely aware of my flaws every so often, and I've managed to make a mental list of certain catalysts that get the ball o' depression rolling. But that's not what I'm aiming for with this post.

This is the first time, though, that I've been depressed because of money. College wasn't cheap for me--my folks' mentality was that if their sons wanted to go to college, we (the sons) had to pay for it entirely. Fine by me. I did. I had lots of grants and scholarships, and though I lost some of the latter I didn't have TOO much to pay back (at least compared to some people that I know, my brother especially). My initial major was Computer Science, which is a Big Money Major. But I hated it, and never "got" it in the two semesters I stayed in that field.

When I switched to Writing, my folks weren't too happy. I'd be poor, they said. I didn't mind then, and I still don't. But I sometimes can't help to think that they're right; writing jobs are notoriously hard to come by, especially without connections. And I write my ass off every day and make less than a $100 a month, even in theory--one writing job I got in mid-July still hasn't yielded any pay.

And, even with my two other jobs, I've finally reached the point where I haven't been able to pay my bills. That's scaring me. I've almost been in that situation more than once, and it didn't phase me. Now it's finally wearing me down. It's not good when you go to put gas in your empty tank and realize that what you spend will be the last of your income for the next two weeks. Depression is sinking in, and I feel that pre-tears lump in my throat more often than I'd like.

If you could pray, I'd be grateful. Writing this is also a sort of release; I don't have to vocalize this to anyone in person (especially since I'm notorious at reading into things too much on peoples' faces), and writing itself just cheers me up. Whoo.

posted, with grace and poise, by Jason @ 10/09/2006 10:42:00 PM,


At 1:13 PM, Blogger Gideon Strauss said...

Jason: I am having a hard time tracking down your email address. Please email me your address at

- Gideon Strauss

At 7:34 PM, Blogger John Baldauff said...

Hey, if you want to even cheer up over a nicely crafted brew let me know.

At 7:43 PM, Blogger John Baldauff said...

OH, and I would buy.

At 7:54 PM, Blogger Janell said...

I know the feeling you write of. Hope today was better.

At 11:28 PM, Blogger Keith Martel said...

briefly: this makes me remember when you caught a late night blog of mine before I pulled it down early the next morning. Prayers for you are offered.


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