They caught and drowned the frontman of the world's worst rock & roll band.

If only. If this were actually the case, maybe, then people would have music by the world's worst rock & roll band autoload as their online journal loads up.

The online journaling world ("'blogging" to some) has lots of people that do obnoxious things with their sites. Randomly search on the bigger journal sites (MySpace, Xanga, LiveJournal, even Blogger), and I'll bet it won't take long for you to run across a journal that makes you want to reach through your computer monitor and punch someone in the throat.

You know the signs, I know you do. Tell me if this sounds familiar. You click on a link to someone's journal and everything starts to sllllloooooooooowwwwwww dooooooooooooowwwwnnnnn. Their page soon pops (I accidentally typed "poop" there, and I realize that's probably the more accurate word) up, with tons of horrid neon colors clashing with each other. For the record: having a shimming green background and dark purple text is a bad, bad idea. Tons of Media Player applications start running simultaniously, with Fat Joe and some skinny white mugger-turned-metal icon merging their voices into some weird whale song that melts your speakers. Scrolling down the page is nigh impossible if you don't have a Cray supercomputer. The title-- in where ever it is you put titles --says something like "U NO ITS IN MY HART <3" or "::||THiiNKiiN||:: bout ma babii."

The last one was stolen from here. Flashing lights, huge oversized banners, grammar straight out of an Australian's nightmare. Check out her quiz at the top of the page: great range of answers! I wish, "Your page injected pure liquid insomnia into my veins" was an option. One of the comments at the bottom reads, "Your site is so cute. I love da layout." If by "cute" you mean "horrific," then yes, I love the layout too. And what's up with that flashing light? I don't get it? I mean, the dark red-on-black color scheme destroys your vision to begin's not like a strobe light of pure evil is going to help things any (and it's an off-center strobe light of evil, too!)

But the worst of all, people, is when bloggers post music that plays as soon as you enter their site. I don't care if it's something good or if it's something bad: doing this makes it bad, period. Really, if I hear another Dashboard Confessional track when I enter someone's site, they will pay. It's especially bad when it REPEATS EVERY TIME YOU ENTER A NEW PART OF THE SITE. Oh, I want to read the comments on a post? There goes the song again! Go back to the main page? The song starts up again.

Here's what I'm going to do. Under the cover of night, I'll find these people. One by one. I'll locate them by context clues, hiring out a private eye when I need the fine details. I will sneak into their yard. I will put war paint on my face. I'll look like a crazed barbarian, hefting my axe over my shoulder. When they least expect it, I will swing with all of my might, letting forth a mighty shout of pure barbarian rage, slicing a hole through their bedroom/livingroom wall. The blogger will look shocked, and with good reason. I will shimmy through the hole, making grunting sounds, and slice their Dell in half with my double-sided axe. Roar! Huzzah! I will then grab the computer's guts and smash them with the butt of the axe handle, then draping the parts over my shoulder, wearing them like a bandolier. Then I'll stomp over to their CD collection (if they have one, probably all on the computer anyway) and eat them-- plain destruction is too good for this stuff. I will find the song the teen had on their page and not destroy that CD. In fact, I'll tie the teen up and play the song, putting it on repeat. Then I will laugh a hearty barbarian laugh and flee into the night.

That's how I'll do it.

And yes, the Australian's nightmare thing was a Spinal Tap reference.

posted, with grace and poise, by Jason @ 8/22/2005 10:50:00 PM,


At 1:14 AM, Anonymous Buddy Chamberlain said...

Please, for the sake of humanity and our future as a race, do it!

At 12:00 PM, Anonymous Janet said...

Nice. There are a lot out there though... so this process might take awhile.

At 12:14 PM, Blogger Erica said...

Yes, do it! I'll help. We can call ourselves the Blog Ninjas.


At 6:03 PM, Blogger Cymru said...

I'm so embarrassed.

At 5:53 PM, Blogger lucas said...

dude i so hate the music thing. i've always got something going in my headphones already and they never ever mesh well

At 12:48 PM, Blogger mattreed said...

Fight the good fight, but the sad fact is the barbarians are vastly outnumbered by the decadent Roman Vomitorium crowd. You have a lot of work to do.


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