Fashion bleeds.

I'm trying not to get blood on the keyboard. It's all over the tuning pegs of my guitar, so the damage has been done. I just don't want to damage to spread, bloom, increase, explode. Exploding blood; not a good thought. Leaking blood, though-- that's on my home keys. Leaking on them.

On what can I concentrate? Thoughts are using my head as a revolving door, going round and round and out and in and out again and round and back in and out. I can't stop them, just watch them go by and grimace.

Thought number one-- I feel stupid sometimes. No, often. No, all of the time. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. But over the past few days I can't seem to get the gray cells twitching. I'm reading G.K. Chesterton's "Orthodoxy." I'm not not getting it, but I'm having a hard time reading more than two pages at a time. It's not his writing (which is fantastic), nor the material (which I grasp.) Maybe it's because my brain is revolting? But sometimes I'll sit and read the same paragraph over and over and over and then fall asleep on the couch for an hour and wake up with my arm dangling because it fell asleep and I can't move it and I fall onto the floor and realize I need to read that paragraph again. Another source of mefeelstupidfrustration comes from not knowing how or what to say to people I don't agree with. I ended that sentence with a preposition, so stuff it. Sometimes I'll be in a forum (written or vocal) where I have the opportunity to respond-- the urge to do so burns within me (oh, it BURNS!) but I stay mum. Why? Am I yeller, a COWARD? Or because apathy freezes my bones? Or maybe both? I think the easiest solution would be to just cut whoever is doing the talking in the face, and everything evens out with a bloody street fight.

Thought number two-- I need to stop being my own worst critic. I'm recording some songs with Adam Thomas tomorrow, and I'm stuck between being nervous and mad at myself. Maybe I should just cut myself in the face! But no-- I always slack off in the songwriting department, and I keep going into the studio with the "Uh, whatever! I'll adlib!" mindset. This sort of mindset works for guys like Steve Cropper and Yo Yo Ma (and maybe Rockapella.) But this doesn't necessarily work for Jason Panella. I'm expecting to just waltz into the studio, plug in my guitar and with a loving flick of my wrist, play the great song ever written. Right now the songs are structured like this IN MY HEAD:

a chord, then another chord, maybe this chord, maybe a bass part right here?

So I'm hoping to write the songs as I play them. I'm an idiot.

Thought number three-- I have a top secret job that I'll have, but I don't know when. And since it's top secret, I can't go into further details. But let's say this...I don't know much about the details, and I'm wondering why I don't know much. It makes me worried, and the sort of worry that rumbles in your stomach earlier and earlier in the morning with each passing day, building to a climax that makes me cry blood. Please, future employers, give me details.

And speaking of blood-- thought number four-- Why am I losing so much of it? Turn my head to my left: it's all over my bedsheets. It's on my semi-hollowbody Rickenbacher knock-off's tuning pegs, and on the bridge, and on the fretboard. And on the new Dean Markley jazz strings I purchased (Signature Series: More Power, Tone, Sustain & Longer Life! (and more blood!).) At least they're still shiny; the blood adds a little bit of...look here, can you see it? Luster? Something? It accents the silver in a fine, fine way, indeed. It was all over my hands a while ago, coming from a slight fissure between my left-hand pointer finger's nail and flesh. I'm not sure how it happened, but that doesn't phase me as much as why I didn't notice it sooner, before I made my bed look like a murder scene.

So I want to get smart. So I want things to go freakishly well in the studio tomorrow. So I want <TOP SECRET>. So I want the blood to stop Jackon Pollacking my keyboard. Now.

posted, with grace and poise, by Jason @ 8/08/2005 11:13:00 PM,


At 3:30 PM, Blogger Erica said...

Well, it obviously didn't go too horrible at the studio. I'm at your myspace now listening to the demo. :-) It's great to listen to all by itself, I can't wait till all of the rest of the stuff is put together. -- oh and I like the dischord at the end, that make sure that makes the final cut if possible!

At 9:15 PM, Blogger Rebecca said...

This is the best post ever. I like the honesty of it. BTW, your demo is good. I like.


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